Tuesday, February 22, 2011
{ 8:12 AM }
I'm having those mood swings. Something like angels versus demons. There's this voice in me that tells me to be nice. It's the one controlling my bad emotions. Is that what we call the superego trying to control the id? But the bad emotions always leaks out. It's just hard for me to hide it altogether. There is no balance point at all. It's just all good or all bad. Where is the ego here?
Being an aries, I like freedom and don't like the feeling of restriction. Sometimes all I need is some privacy. You understand? I would appreciate if you stop trying to know what I am doing all the time. I don't mean to be rude to you or what but it just pisses me off when you keep on asking, trying to find out my stuff.
I regret signing up for it. But what can I do now? Should I pull out? I'm afraid I'll make the team suffer. HOW?
I think I should just forget about you. I am mistaken, and I suppose I should not continue in this mistake. If it's meant to happen, it should have happened many years ago. I'm sorry for taking so much of your time.
I keep thinking back and whenever I remember about you and us, I feel so guilty. I keep thinking that I've hurt you. And maybe whatever happened is my fault. I just wish I could turn back time. But sorry doesn't turn back time. Sorry doesn't give us both another chance. I've hurt you and I cannot act as though I did nothing. I can't forgive myself and I think you wouldn't forgive me either. But I guess now there's karma. I'm suffering my own fate. Has it helped atone my sin?
Why can't I be like other people and move on regardless of my past. WHY! I SHALL REALLY MOVE ON. MOVE YOU THEO YOU STUPID GIRL!
Until I finally move on, I will continue to be this stupid girl.
Fall in love because you really love, not because you are lonely.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
{ 8:14 AM }
I feel so cheat by you. You said you would but you didn't. Yesterday, I thought everything changed for the better. But maybe I'm just being too optimistic about us. You are still the same right? Someone who couldn't care less. I should try to ignore you, but whenever you came, I would always (never fail) to respond to you. It has been so many years already, you're still like that and I'm still like this. I hate you. I really hate you:'( Sometimes I have the urge to ask you, but then I would always remember that time when we were younger, how I forced you to admit something (which maybe you didn't want to admit. That's why you lied right?). I don't want to force you and then hear something I don't want to hear this time. I want to learn to forget, please.
Dear friend,
Don't pretend to care if you don't care about me. Don't stay in my life when you don't mean to stay.
Thanks.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
{ 6:46 AM }
I may seem optimistic, but I'm thinking about it more than anyone else. Because I don't go around saying it, does that mean that I'm happy about it? Some people just unknowingly hurt others and they don't know. I don't know why I'm so angsty nowadays. I think my tolerance level is reaching it's limit. School work, those publicity stuff coupled with not enough sleep and someone that keeps getting on my nerve, I'm going to go mad! Sometimes I feel that I am very sacarstic, bitter, unaccomodating and gossipy (because I told my friends about what happened:P But I didn't edit anything ok! I'm just telling whatever that happened.), but I just can't help it. I need to get it out of my chest. Even as I confided in people, I couldn't really tell them exactly how I am feeling. I could only say part of the things out, not all. I still feel so angry with all those things (including that someone), angry with myself, angry with my life..Overall, I'm just sour and bitter.
However, I feel so guilty being angry with that someone because generally she's a nice person. Just that sometimes, just sometimes that person irritates me. I guess that person also don't know that he/she is irritating me. He/She just touched a sore part of me.
Dear Angel, [if you ever exist and I still believe you do:)] please help me make everything better.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
{ 7:41 AM }
Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough as a friend.
I don't make an effort to keep in contact with my good friends until one by one they start to leave the country.
I don't make an effort to wish my good friends happy birthday even on facebook.
I don't make an effort to meet up my good friends even though we are no longer in the same school.
Because I don't make an effort, we start to drift further and further apart until we no longer talk to each other. I realized how bad a friend I am. I regret. I regret not trying to meet up with those people who shared my sorrows, fears, worries and happiness.
I'm sorry for not trying. Or maybe I am trying, but not trying hard enough. I promise to try harder. I'm going to fix those broken relationships and continue those that are still there.
To my dear friend who probably is already on the plane on your way to Aussie: Thank you so much for always being there for me. I will really really miss you a lot. You and your company. May you do well in your studies. But must remember to play hard and study hard ok? I'll email you as much as possible, and that's a promise. I am quite sure you won't be reading this though.
And whenever I listen to this song, I'll think about you and our broken friendship. It's my fault. I shouldn't have avoided you and stuff. You did not do anything to hurt me, but protected and cared for me. Yet, I hurt you. What did I do? Precisely because I didn't do anything and treated you like some monster. I'm so sorry. You're pitiful enough with those broken ties and why must I, why should I add on to your sorrow. I know I'm such a bitch and now I'm so sorry. But I guess I can't do anything to fix anything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Gosh, those psychology things must have gotten into my brain.